I meet myself on the abandoned page
Searching for “GOD” again
In the new quiet of a once busy place
Where a piano once played
CLANK CLANK
My hands meet palm to palm
I don’t know if I am praying or begging
And they twitch towards the dull-eyed
Computer like some lost moth that finds
Only small despairs within the LED.
I’ve been looking for “GOD” for so long
That my eyes are too wide from
Peering beyond the moon and ignoring
The beautiful apathy of sunlight behind
Morning curtains
I’ve been waiting so long my breath is
Baited, hanging in small whispers upon
The fable of a heaven somewhere. And
When I wake into sin with a swollen cunt
Wet from dreams, I promise I didn’t want it,
But only because I know it doesn’t come to
The ones that wait.
I’ve been searching for “GOD” for so long
That I thought I saw Him in the eyes of
The Catatonic — awake — just —
After a trip to the Cellar Door where they
Knock, knock, knocked and knock, knock
Knocked but came back anyway with a
Patchwork heart and nothing to say.
I thought I saw Him in the flicker of a
Finger that recognised my voice and I
Followed Him into my stone conclusion
Where I grazed my knee and where the
Endless scrape still weeps.
Nothing happened today and nothing
Happened today and nothing happened
But maybe something but certainly no
Heavenly gates just a Boy With Wide
Eyes and black shoes. Just a rosary in
Some charming junkyard.
I move my hands to my side and touch
The Unholy ground and admit that my
Stomach is growling. I’ll search forever
Before I find Him. Hunger is the Ever Tide
Of Being and I’ve stalked the wild desert
Plains of England hunting the perfect apple
Only to eat it and hunger again within the hour.
If “GOD” wasn’t already invented I’d have invented
Him right there in that empty train station where
A piano once played.
I wonder if I’ll spend the rest of Forever cleaning
The life from beneath my nails.
I meet myself here where smoke lingers on my
Hair like something that hasn’t happened yet.
My shoes are fallen apart from all the waiting
I allow the dirt behind my nails and forgive it
I leave the once busy place
It smells like grey skies
The day closes
No heaven falls, just
Fades.